Carlos Tévez is Innocent!*

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Sir Red Faced One 
via BBC News 
(no connection I swear)

The Red Weegie Git (pictured) moaned to the BBC that TV has too much power. I think he's right and it's TV that is to blame for Carlos 'the Argentinian Beast' Tévez refusal to play in Munich on Tuesday night. 

In the bygone days of Peter Beardsley (who played for Fulham) it was common to have ugly mugs on the television - but the size of the screen limited the danger to the general public. In the 21st Century television screens are like the average arse size - f*king enormous! I can understand why television execs are reluctant to have these three (below) in full Widescreen HD:

The Internet is the right place for shocking pictures like this
or Wikipedia where I got them from

Orders: The Antipodean Beast
Image: Wikipedia

Whilst the internet can handle, even encourages, disgusting images for the discernible viewer, had the three faces (above) appeared without warning in your living room there could have been mass carnage across the globe. Sources say that microphones picked up Roberto Mancini telling Tévez to 'go on'. With Joleon Lescott and Franck Ribéry still on the pitch, frantic orders came from the Antipodean Beast himself to stop a further PR disaster happening.

The Beast, who has controlled football since the last century, has been licking his recent hacking wounds and was terrified about Europe-wide lawsuits and the bad publicity from innocent members of the public spilling their guts due to his 'product' [GZ- this often happens to the feckless, undeserving poor when seeing his 'product']. It's one thing to piss off a few celebs, MPs and dead peoples families, it's another to piss off the half of Europe by putting them off their dinner! There's only so much bad press you can take. Just ask Gary Glitter.

Euro Artists Impression
[Wikipedia]

Camera friendly
Joleon Lescott
[Wikipedia]

It is indeed a dark day when Graham (what's the score) Souness looks like the good guy. Ex-Fulham manager with no club to call home, Mark Hughes was in the Sky Sports studios bravely defending Tévez afterwards* earning universal condemnation on Twitter but Brownie points above. Sources say he translated the message from the Antipodean Beast for Tévez on the bench through a hidden earpiece disguised as an iPod. Tévez  was left like a Bewilder Beast trying to understand Hughes Spanish and Mancini's English.

Sources at Sky, News International and Manchester City have refused to comment on this or any other elements of this article at the time of going to press but this could be because I didn't ask them. Although the Red Faced Weegie one could not be contacted, there were reports of the shrill sound of Scottish laughter echoing around Old Trafford late Tuesday night. 

*DISCLAIMER 1: Any connection to Hughes signing Tévez, whilst he was managing the New Mancs on the Block, or that they both share the same agent, Kia Joorabchian is purely coincidental.
*DISCLAIMER 2: Any connection between this article and the truth is purely coincidental.