Football Predictions*

I taunted Dirk, the footballer named after a porn star, and he responded. I asked serious questions about his character and he responded in the only way he knew how by scoring when it mattered most - against the Mancs.

In 2012 the manky ones with dubious financial credentials - in one way or another - have been sacrificed from Europe and their cups will not overflow.

I also got my commentary on #TransferDeadlineDay spot on as these tweets show:

*this week I have decided not to talk about Fulham away results. However, to any Fulham fan feeling aggrieved at loosing to the toffee's, it did not take a genius to work out that we have still to break the blue Curse up north. It's part of why Smiffy and I boo John Terry when given any opportunity. That is a blue curse - even if it was a different city. Anyway all away grounds look the same to me - depressing. 

England European and World Champions 2011* + Fabregas is Innocent

Honourable Member of the Press Corps Piers Morgan

Expenses in the post Eds. My local sources don't come cheap. I have been really impressed by the strength and vigour of their livers.

This is the post from which my next Football Speak story will evolve from. It is subject to change as I am still checking with my sources and I was a bit drunk at the time.

I can Predict in Football. It is a gift given by the heavens to compensate for my lack of natural ability on the pitch. Although I don't play computer games often  My campaign to drop Wayne Rooney and John Terry has worked as foretold. Fulham Bob did not even have to go on the pitch for his presence to be felt at Wembley. Magic came for those who believed. It came at a very powerful moment in time.

Master of Philosophical Sledging
Sir Joseph
Showing Solidarity with the People
If he can grow this Tache

I created a Mexican Wave of Solidarity for the People online ahead of the Home Nation games that was felt as far away as Icelandic as Volcano God Lady K sent a wave of support back to us. I may be a Celt not a Brit and I have a acquired taste for Metal which is generally worth more than paper.

These are interesting times. Chances will be given to everyone on merit and not just the 1% such as Red Rooney and Blue Terry, who have been found wanting for the Tribes in the past and were rightly punished by removing the love of the People. They do not want their names to be eternally cursed.

Joey Barton who is growing a moustache until he gets an England cap was doing his bit for the cause by firing off several cutting remarks against the Oozing Blob Piers Morgan for the Engerland he defends:

Hitov the Hajduk

Bulgarian Revolutionary

Legendary Moustache Tamer
Patron Saint of Movember

We achieved greatness on Saturday. We do not need them if we believe. You'll Never Walk Alone and we must never forget the fallen. By remembering in Red and White we took power away from the Antipodean Beast and the dark forces forces of the 1% who do not believe. We have seen conclusive proof this weekend of a greater power and shown the Tribal Celtic Underdogs of these Islands can be Victorious. And it did not involve any violence, although some of the Latin Conspirators, recently deported from these isles for divided loyalties did try and provoke a reaction as Phil Jagielka can testify!

According to my new source Arsenal Bob, the turncoat Fabregas does have a defence planned besides his haircut. His power to attack English Defences has waned in league with his distance from these magical shores - away visits don't seem to count. Smiffy cut in at this point, adamant in his assertion that Fernado Torres has struggled solely due to  his association with the blue that now bears down heavy upon his chest. Bob continued when Smiffy shut up for a moment that Fabregas has to put up with the burden of Madrid as seen in the video below. His divided loyalties at Arsenal have been well documented and he never hid his love or ambition, although he may well have hidden his burning hate for Madrid and he hates the Special One more than most. It is in his blood. But I have read Shakespeare, I was tortured with Westside Story at one point in my life and in what may pass as a plot from a Keith Lemon film, I can see them finding forgiveness and making out as the credits draw down. Much passion and vengeance runs through the blood of the Peninsular Tribes. [Eds-this is the film you told me to plug wasn't it?]

@ 0:22 Mourinho vs Fabregas
@ 0:58~1:00 Pepe (no.3) vs Fabregas



Smiffy commented that Febregas on field rage caused by an overwhelming desire to kick the blue scum which he sympathised with in spirit, but I think he was still going on about beating Chelski and he's taken the death of his leader pretty hard. In my defence I was drunk at the time as this is the only way I can communicate with the locals so I can't vouch for every word but I got the gist.


A Trip to the Theatre

NEXT UP: I'm a Celebrity Chairman...Get Me Out of Here!

Coming soon to Football Speak, I take on my biggest investigation yet and delve into the secret world of Chairmen and the shocking truth from my sources! Read of disturbing links between Trainer Crime and the love that dare not speak its name and I'm not talking about Harry and Dumbledore. 

Thierry Ennui looks into the terrible conditions in Manchester.
Look what it did to Juan Sebastian Veron and
current Argentinian prisoner Carlos Tevez who is not even allowed to go home. 

* Le Tournoi in 1997 does not count just as The Intertoto Cup in 2002 does not count either. But look at the awesome power of these two winning forces combined. Fulham Bob must be in the England Squad. Never has a player made such an impact by staying on the bench.


DISCLAIMER: I have to put a disclaimer due to the sensitivity of the subjects and because some people respect the dead by shouting and abusing you for having an opinion. I just have a different way. I hope through humour I am able to illuminate you on the use of language in the media, especially sports, and the side shows to occupy our minds. If you have taken offence then you should read the stuff I am parodying before you cast stones at me.

How England Can Win Again without Rooney [No Rooney No Cry]

Before and After:  England fans next June

Read and Rate this on

England fans only go on about 1966 'cos we have won f*ck all since*.  It's the same reason Archie Gemmell is still lauded in Scotland. It is this glint of sunshine in our memory and the odd decent performance such as ripping Germany apart in Munich back in 2002 (where I managed to injure myself celebrating Michael Owen's hat trick):

or the demolition of The Dutch at Euro '96:

that keep the hope alive. But hope unrequited can be soul destroying. It's like a Crystal Meth addiction.

However, I believe the glass is always half-full because my brain has evolved to help me cope with being a Fulham/England fan. If you had asked anyone, even Fulham fans, a few years back, especially under former fake hoop [Smiffy] Lawrie Sanchez, if Fulham would be in a Major* European final they would probably still be laughing. But then we made it all the way to the final and we're back again hoping for the same next year.

I have far more hope with Fulham, than I do England and I was glad the game against Montenegro, where Wayne Rooney proved yet again what a complete tosser he is, was on the official channel of the Antipodean Beast, Sky so I didn't have to watch another abject failure and hear the same jokes afterwards:

"After watching the football tonight, my wife said, "Was that a bad result then?". I said, "I'm changing my nationality to Scottish". She said, "Fucking hell, that is bad"."

The obvious English lack of ability to string passes together and our lack of success may be due to cheating bastards of a Latin persuasion who handball, hack our players or try to get them sent off. It could be because there is an obvious FIFA conspiracy who despite maintaining the sky is green, that FIFA are not corrupt and that 'Politics and football are separate' yet still allow senior vice president of FIFA and known Argentinian Julio Grondona to say:

"with the English [2018] bid I said: Let us be brief. If you give back the Falkland Islands, which belong to us [they don't], you will get my vote" 

That's one hell of an ask even for a bribe - even Jack Warner was blushing at that one! Apologising months down the line doesn't help us either. So the English are right to feel cheated.  However, sometimes it pays to stop noticing the mote in their eyes and pay attention to the whacking great telegraph pole in your own.

England players seem more interested in gambling, shagging (or dogging) and continuing club feuds.  The reality is collectively we are shit, but when the wind changes we convince ourselves we smell of roses. As Greece showed in the 2004 European Championship and Germany showed throughout the 1990's, sometimes it's teamwork, not class, that wins cups. However, I have another theory and which any Fulham fan could tell you:

It was the Fulham what won it!
Image: ShakShak

1. No England Team has won anything without a Fulham player. In 1966* it was George Cohen. Anyone doubting the power of the Fulham connection should remember that it was ex-Fulham keeper Edwin van der Sar that stopped Chelski scum Roman SonofaBitches' European dream in it's tracks and then worked his Fulham voodoo as he watched John Terry's penalty fly into Row Z.
2. No England team has won anything without a Bob. In 1966* we had the late Bobby Moore.
3. We have forwards (not that I'm singling them out) who are unable to string words, let alone passes, together. The best hold up player we have had was Emile Heskey who held up play by virtue of falling over. We need a hold up player who is not Emile Heskey. 

The solution is simple. Bobby Zamora MUST play. He is Fulham's Bob. 

In April we also need someone to break both Wayne Rooney's legs. That way we do not have a spoilt little twat berating fans or getting himself sent off and ruining things for us all.

Beckham was a complete idiot but at least learnt from his mistakes and led England well, far better it should be said than John Terry ever has. So bring Bobby in and get rid of Rooney and we're in with a shout because no one will expect anything from us and we won't have to worry about the petulant little twat screwing us over. We need a TEAM and absolutely NO FUCKING PENALTIES!

*Le Tournoi in 1997 does not count. The only decent thing about that was being in a pub watching Teddy Sheringham miss when I abused him for being a 'fucking yid'. This was not a particularly wise thing to do in North London. Five years later, I was in the Paddock at the shithole that is Loftus Road, barely feet away from suited and booted Spurs fans who shouted 'Yids' throughout. It's a Tottenham thing, not a Jewish thing, because Spuds fans threw stuff on our pitch. Going two nil down to them by half time was painful but not as painful as losing 3-2 was for them following Leggy's (forever Ziggy Wiggy to me) 90th minute winner. But  Chelsea are a different story altogether. We hate Chelsea. 

Shearer vs Portugal (1998) by ShearerGoals

Chelski - What's Not to Hate

A family club? 

The Daily Mirror's Martin Lipton argued, unsuccessfully that Chelski scum John Terry is England's Greatest Captain. I could mention his wayward todger, his lack of respect, but sometimes I prefer to reply visually to what I think of JT's England captaincy:

With any luck he'll be the one with the broken Metatarsal come June.

As the known Rangers fan, Smiffy, would say 'C**t' and he'd probably start singing:

Que sera, sera...

When I was just a little boy I asked my mother what will I be?

Will I be Rangers? will I be Chelsea?

Here's what she said to me...

Wash your mouth out son,

Go get your father's gun

And shoot the Chelsea scum

Que sera, sera...

What West London is Missing

England, Passion & The People's Anthem

Fulham fans know that when the Cottage is rocking that the players become our Warriors. But cheering our warriors works both ways, unless you play for England. The England players  look bored and disinterested. If we don't see them singing before going into battle, we see warning signs. 

It's not just about winning (there is always hope of a dodgy ref), the People will cheer your glorious death on the pitch as long as you are try before you die. It gives us a chance to sing how shit the opposition are because you're not all dead yet!

Compare this from Portugal's Rugby Players before their 108-18 drubbing by the All Blacks: 

England Premonition

I had a dream of England’s next penalty shoot out.