The Dirty Secrets of the Arsenal Dressing Room*

"[the] large head often suggests a larger animal than the muskox truly is"

Sometimes you can be minding your own business and an idea hits you, or a Twitter Trend. Then when you investigate further you realise you were on to something, but wished you'd never thought of it in the first place as the truth is so depraved. We have all heard what goes on in the testosterone charged changing rooms up and down the land but I don't even think the press thought it was this bad: 

Dominant bulls sometimes treat subordinate bulls like cows. A dominant bull will casually kick a subordinate with its foreleg something they do to cows during mating. Dominant bulls will also mock copulate subordinates and sniff their genitals. [Wikipedia]

It's no wonder there's so much competition for first team places at Arsenal. Still if Arsenal keep winning who is to question Wenger's techniques?

* I am trying to wind up Bob

Tevez Must be Freed!

Football Zilla have been in secret communication with Carlos Tevez and we hope to bring his exclusive story soon. He needs to know people still love him as he's still very upset. Please vote:

The Real Reason Steve McClaren Resigned?

I think I have found the real reason Steve McClaren left Nottingham Forest. It was made to appear as if this was results based, however this BBC headline tells a very different story (bottom story on image):

Free Tévez Campaign Leak

Vote to Keep Him in the Big Manc House...or not:

Carlos Tévez is Innocent!*

Read & Rate this on:

Sir Red Faced One 
via BBC News 
(no connection I swear)

The Red Weegie Git (pictured) moaned to the BBC that TV has too much power. I think he's right and it's TV that is to blame for Carlos 'the Argentinian Beast' Tévez refusal to play in Munich on Tuesday night. 

In the bygone days of Peter Beardsley (who played for Fulham) it was common to have ugly mugs on the television - but the size of the screen limited the danger to the general public. In the 21st Century television screens are like the average arse size - f*king enormous! I can understand why television execs are reluctant to have these three (below) in full Widescreen HD:

FootballZillaTV #Chelski

You wanted Truth, I bring you the Truth!! 

Chelski players done Talksport Style. 

COYWS

The Tale of Barton the Twit and Henry Dingle

Barton,

 Tweets to the Dingle,

in a Nietzsche kind of way, 

After the Dingle dongled Barton, 

When he took him from behind,

Ref ah ree!

I thought I heard Barton say,

But the howling from McCarthy,

Stopped the Ref giving it anyway, 

Never sees McCarthy  

Just like the Dingles on the halfway line,

He's really not that sure cos,

Like the ref he's fucking blind.

Image & Article: Guardian in case your as blind as a Referee

*I've only seen pictures and football should be about poetry sometimes. Copyright 2011

Does Yeow Boing?

The Antipodean Beast sacrificed the soul of Football (just ask any Undeserving Poor supporters). I am going to reclaim our souls for the Football Gods by making my own adverts, about myself instead of having to watch the annoying stuff in between the football and talking about football. It's what Megalomaniacs do. But I cannot do it alone. This is a writers forum, a creative world to philosophise as only drunken football fans can. Understanding about moustaches and being a twit helps.

Has yeow supported the Baggies since yeow was a babby?


Does yeow wanna use yeow donnies to club the Seals and the Dingels with yeow wit?


Become an egg that hatches into it's own online alter ego.

If you secretly want to write character based comedy using football as a template and can take the piss out yourself and others, without being a prick (as Smiffy would say)...then send me a short piece of 250-300 words commenting on a football story from your club's perspective. Videos, Comedy it all counts. If it makes us laugh, then we will publish it.

Join us at Football Zilla and banter.

Any team that can use Reggae is okay by us. Except Chelsea. We hate Chelsea.

Are Chelski Fans Slow?

I saw this headline and thought Fernando was referring to Chelski fans:

Fernando Torres quizzed over 'slow' Chelsea comments [BBC News]

But alas, despite the evidence in the video above, it appears he was in fact referring to the old gits in his team (who may or may not be terrorists) and has subsequently been forgiven by claiming he was  mistranslated - I believe Duncan 'Disorderly' Ferguson tried this in court when he was sent down for his 'off the ball kiss' with John McStay. I can't believe managers still fall for that old chestnut of lost in translation as this classic South Park shows: 

If Only England Played with this Passion

The People's Ballad of Steed

Steed Retires 


(2/9/11)

Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed Malbranque 

Steed pictured in May 2011 [image wikipedia]

Thank you for the memories.

Malbranque lifts lid on retirement decision [Fulham Chronicle] 

UPDATE (3/9/11): 

According to reports in France, the 31-year-old player has decided to hang up his boots in order to care for his son, who has been diagnosed with cancer. [Metro] Sometimes there are things more important than football. These life changing moments put everything in perspective, no matter who you are. 

UPDATE (5/9/11): 

Steed, who I was very kind and understanding to (see previous):

"would like to reassure all of his friends in England and throughout world football that these stories are wholly without foundation. Steed does not have a son and his immediate family are all in good health. Steed does not know the origin of these stories but would like to stress that they are without merit." 

Okay. That's a relief because I can now go back to calling him a (former) Sad Mackem Bastard. He left Fulham to go to Spuds and achieved nothing. He should have stayed where he was truly loved.

Fulham Legend Clarke with an even more Legendary T-Shirt

Us footie fans are fickle and have long memories. Rationality, compassion and understanding are as alien to football as English was to Julio Geordio when he first signed for Newcastle. The silence only ever lasts for a minute. 

WE ARE THE PEOPLE!!

Julio Geordio Starts at 5:50

QPR Sign a Twit*

QPR have signed Joey Barton, a player that despite his chequered history has always been interesting. Barton even looks like he could have just stepped out of White City Estate so should fit in well.

He likes to Tweet and did a good job last week supporting the Hillsborough Petition on his Twitter account even harassing Spuds chairman Alan Sugar (You’re Fired!) in the process. He apparently supports the working class and may move on to blogging to get his voice heard, if the press don’t try and cut him down because they don’t like him. Like the press haven’t ever done anything illegal?