Football Predictions*

I taunted Dirk, the footballer named after a porn star, and he responded. I asked serious questions about his character and he responded in the only way he knew how by scoring when it mattered most - against the Mancs.

In 2012 the manky ones with dubious financial credentials - in one way or another - have been sacrificed from Europe and their cups will not overflow.

I also got my commentary on #TransferDeadlineDay spot on as these tweets show:

*this week I have decided not to talk about Fulham away results. However, to any Fulham fan feeling aggrieved at loosing to the toffee's, it did not take a genius to work out that we have still to break the blue Curse up north. It's part of why Smiffy and I boo John Terry when given any opportunity. That is a blue curse - even if it was a different city. Anyway all away grounds look the same to me - depressing. 

Confusion in SW6 on #TransferDeadlineDay

Smoke on the Water. Fire in the Sky.
How Bob's agent could sell this story. 

In protest or preparation for the great treason a fire is burning in West London. This man made fire is spewing noxious chemicals into the West London air clouding minds to the great evil happening. Whilst to some it may seem just a normal transfer, considering the press rumblings, far more is at stake and we cannot rule out or in any connection or speculation at this stage as it is #TransferDeadlineDay. 

Ginger Nut in Arsenal's Face

Fulham were quite gentlemanly and placed a tea bag in the Arsenal. I applaud the Ginger Nut that did it.

Arsenal Bob what's the score?

• Fulham come from behind BBC
• Arsenal looked to cling on. Guardian
• This was a tale of two Achilles heels: Bobby Zamora’s and Arsenal’s Telegraph
• Fulham fight back to beat Arsenal Yahoo News
• 

The Pressing Trouble with Bob

Is that the press like making stuff up. Creating fear where there is no fear. It sells newspapers that only zombies buy, hence the association with dawn when the mind is not yet alert. Whilst this may work during the week on the way to work, but not on a Sunday. It's just plain insulting to think the People do not have their wits about them. Or some of us at least. Sunday is a day to get over headaches and be thankful your not working.

We fear what we do not know. That is why football should be a uniting factor, not a divisive one. I even read about Tribes that said We Are The People, although I was unable to confirm if this had anything to do with the World Cup. How could I we not support that? However the Sunday people* deserve a gesture from Fulham fans.

Thus future England and current Fulham Legend Bob has had his good name tarnished in the media just to spread a dollop of brain jam made with only artificial ingredients but proclaim it as organic on the grounds that Tottenham, Sunderland and QPR [who Fulham thrashed at the Cottage*] exist. Those are the facts of this article, the rest is artistic license. 

It's good that Fulham have a squad they can rotate in attack. It's not like we don't get injuries to our strikers or have enough games to worry about is it? Simple squad rotation provides a goldmine of speculation for a journalist and it's not like the press haven't revealed the extent that they make things up. Football fans have known this for years from the back pages. I don't ever discount an agent, who may be closely related to bankers, looking for another bonus. 

Martin Jol made a solid decision that didn't pay off. I would rather have Bobby for the games to come let AJ have a run out. Strikers are mostly delicate souls and need to be pampered. 

* I don't think Smiffy has spoken to me since then. 

** they don't deserve capitals either - just like beleibers or chelski. We hate chelski.

The Dirty Secrets of the Arsenal Dressing Room*

"[the] large head often suggests a larger animal than the muskox truly is"

Sometimes you can be minding your own business and an idea hits you, or a Twitter Trend. Then when you investigate further you realise you were on to something, but wished you'd never thought of it in the first place as the truth is so depraved. We have all heard what goes on in the testosterone charged changing rooms up and down the land but I don't even think the press thought it was this bad: 

Dominant bulls sometimes treat subordinate bulls like cows. A dominant bull will casually kick a subordinate with its foreleg something they do to cows during mating. Dominant bulls will also mock copulate subordinates and sniff their genitals. [Wikipedia]

It's no wonder there's so much competition for first team places at Arsenal. Still if Arsenal keep winning who is to question Wenger's techniques?

* I am trying to wind up Bob

GingerZilla is Innocent*

Football fans are religious types and the #rapture which apparently happened on Friday cannot be ruled out for Fulham's woes. I would certainly push this version of events in light of my prophesy this past week on Football Speak regarding Zamora and Saha. It could be argued that I was wrong in demanding Rooney was dropped in favour of Fulham Bob (it's a belief thing) and a make a rather unpleasant, malicious and hurtful jibe at Louis Saha's injury bill. 

. 

Whilst superstition may have its merits [most of the money in the English Premier League is based on superstition so who am I to argue?] I too am asking for patience and plainly just hoping for the future. And just like many players and politicians I see the glass as half empty, however unlike them I am not contractually obliged to defend insanity or John Terry. I have belief! 

The delightful chips in this video and footwork forebode well after today's opener from Ruiz:

* cast not the first stone as they say. 

How England Can Win Again without Rooney [No Rooney No Cry]

Before and After:  England fans next June

Read and Rate this on

England fans only go on about 1966 'cos we have won f*ck all since*.  It's the same reason Archie Gemmell is still lauded in Scotland. It is this glint of sunshine in our memory and the odd decent performance such as ripping Germany apart in Munich back in 2002 (where I managed to injure myself celebrating Michael Owen's hat trick):

or the demolition of The Dutch at Euro '96:

that keep the hope alive. But hope unrequited can be soul destroying. It's like a Crystal Meth addiction.

However, I believe the glass is always half-full because my brain has evolved to help me cope with being a Fulham/England fan. If you had asked anyone, even Fulham fans, a few years back, especially under former fake hoop [Smiffy] Lawrie Sanchez, if Fulham would be in a Major* European final they would probably still be laughing. But then we made it all the way to the final and we're back again hoping for the same next year.

I have far more hope with Fulham, than I do England and I was glad the game against Montenegro, where Wayne Rooney proved yet again what a complete tosser he is, was on the official channel of the Antipodean Beast, Sky so I didn't have to watch another abject failure and hear the same jokes afterwards:

"After watching the football tonight, my wife said, "Was that a bad result then?". I said, "I'm changing my nationality to Scottish". She said, "Fucking hell, that is bad"."

The obvious English lack of ability to string passes together and our lack of success may be due to cheating bastards of a Latin persuasion who handball, hack our players or try to get them sent off. It could be because there is an obvious FIFA conspiracy who despite maintaining the sky is green, that FIFA are not corrupt and that 'Politics and football are separate' yet still allow senior vice president of FIFA and known Argentinian Julio Grondona to say:

"with the English [2018] bid I said: Let us be brief. If you give back the Falkland Islands, which belong to us [they don't], you will get my vote" 

That's one hell of an ask even for a bribe - even Jack Warner was blushing at that one! Apologising months down the line doesn't help us either. So the English are right to feel cheated.  However, sometimes it pays to stop noticing the mote in their eyes and pay attention to the whacking great telegraph pole in your own.

England players seem more interested in gambling, shagging (or dogging) and continuing club feuds.  The reality is collectively we are shit, but when the wind changes we convince ourselves we smell of roses. As Greece showed in the 2004 European Championship and Germany showed throughout the 1990's, sometimes it's teamwork, not class, that wins cups. However, I have another theory and which any Fulham fan could tell you:

It was the Fulham what won it!
Image: ShakShak

1. No England Team has won anything without a Fulham player. In 1966* it was George Cohen. Anyone doubting the power of the Fulham connection should remember that it was ex-Fulham keeper Edwin van der Sar that stopped Chelski scum Roman SonofaBitches' European dream in it's tracks and then worked his Fulham voodoo as he watched John Terry's penalty fly into Row Z.
2. No England team has won anything without a Bob. In 1966* we had the late Bobby Moore.
3. We have forwards (not that I'm singling them out) who are unable to string words, let alone passes, together. The best hold up player we have had was Emile Heskey who held up play by virtue of falling over. We need a hold up player who is not Emile Heskey. 

The solution is simple. Bobby Zamora MUST play. He is Fulham's Bob. 

In April we also need someone to break both Wayne Rooney's legs. That way we do not have a spoilt little twat berating fans or getting himself sent off and ruining things for us all.

Beckham was a complete idiot but at least learnt from his mistakes and led England well, far better it should be said than John Terry ever has. So bring Bobby in and get rid of Rooney and we're in with a shout because no one will expect anything from us and we won't have to worry about the petulant little twat screwing us over. We need a TEAM and absolutely NO FUCKING PENALTIES!

*Le Tournoi in 1997 does not count. The only decent thing about that was being in a pub watching Teddy Sheringham miss when I abused him for being a 'fucking yid'. This was not a particularly wise thing to do in North London. Five years later, I was in the Paddock at the shithole that is Loftus Road, barely feet away from suited and booted Spurs fans who shouted 'Yids' throughout. It's a Tottenham thing, not a Jewish thing, because Spuds fans threw stuff on our pitch. Going two nil down to them by half time was painful but not as painful as losing 3-2 was for them following Leggy's (forever Ziggy Wiggy to me) 90th minute winner. But  Chelsea are a different story altogether. We hate Chelsea. 

Shearer vs Portugal (1998) by ShearerGoals

England, Passion & The People's Anthem

Fulham fans know that when the Cottage is rocking that the players become our Warriors. But cheering our warriors works both ways, unless you play for England. The England players  look bored and disinterested. If we don't see them singing before going into battle, we see warning signs. 

It's not just about winning (there is always hope of a dodgy ref), the People will cheer your glorious death on the pitch as long as you are try before you die. It gives us a chance to sing how shit the opposition are because you're not all dead yet!

Compare this from Portugal's Rugby Players before their 108-18 drubbing by the All Blacks: