Statistically Mark Hughes is a Bellend**

No bias was used in the making of this table

Confusion in SW6 on #TransferDeadlineDay

Smoke on the Water. Fire in the Sky.
How Bob's agent could sell this story. 

In protest or preparation for the great treason a fire is burning in West London. This man made fire is spewing noxious chemicals into the West London air clouding minds to the great evil happening. Whilst to some it may seem just a normal transfer, considering the press rumblings, far more is at stake and we cannot rule out or in any connection or speculation at this stage as it is #TransferDeadlineDay. 

The Spirit of Clint Dempsey

Ginger Nut in Arsenal's Face

Fulham were quite gentlemanly and placed a tea bag in the Arsenal. I applaud the Ginger Nut that did it.

Arsenal Bob what's the score?

• Fulham come from behind BBC
• Arsenal looked to cling on. Guardian
• This was a tale of two Achilles heels: Bobby Zamora’s and Arsenal’s Telegraph
• Fulham fight back to beat Arsenal Yahoo News
• 

Making Chelski Suffer

A belated Christmas Present

Chelski Suffer and not just because of John Terry

Fulham in Europe still?

Note the arc drawing Smiffy's attention to something
Keep looking at the picture and not the story.

At least one Fulham player could still be in Europe, even if it is on loan. Despite not loosing in Europe last night Fulham decided to let the young ones loose instead. It's character building and will help them prepare fro our away form. However, I've been wondering if we have now qualified for the Intertoto? I mean if both Manchester teams can be booted out of a competition and still be allowed to play in 'Europe' why can't we? I'm sure certain elements of FIFA would listen to this idea if MAF bunged them some gold. It's not like they don't take 'bribes', sorry, endorsements. 

Believing this is easier than believing Wisla punished me for my Gothski joke the other day. That's harsh. I can't always be expected to work my magic.

The Pressing Trouble with Bob

Is that the press like making stuff up. Creating fear where there is no fear. It sells newspapers that only zombies buy, hence the association with dawn when the mind is not yet alert. Whilst this may work during the week on the way to work, but not on a Sunday. It's just plain insulting to think the People do not have their wits about them. Or some of us at least. Sunday is a day to get over headaches and be thankful your not working.

We fear what we do not know. That is why football should be a uniting factor, not a divisive one. I even read about Tribes that said We Are The People, although I was unable to confirm if this had anything to do with the World Cup. How could I we not support that? However the Sunday people* deserve a gesture from Fulham fans.

Thus future England and current Fulham Legend Bob has had his good name tarnished in the media just to spread a dollop of brain jam made with only artificial ingredients but proclaim it as organic on the grounds that Tottenham, Sunderland and QPR [who Fulham thrashed at the Cottage*] exist. Those are the facts of this article, the rest is artistic license. 

It's good that Fulham have a squad they can rotate in attack. It's not like we don't get injuries to our strikers or have enough games to worry about is it? Simple squad rotation provides a goldmine of speculation for a journalist and it's not like the press haven't revealed the extent that they make things up. Football fans have known this for years from the back pages. I don't ever discount an agent, who may be closely related to bankers, looking for another bonus. 

Martin Jol made a solid decision that didn't pay off. I would rather have Bobby for the games to come let AJ have a run out. Strikers are mostly delicate souls and need to be pampered. 

* I don't think Smiffy has spoken to me since then. 

** they don't deserve capitals either - just like beleibers or chelski. We hate chelski.

Fulhamish Legends#1 - Clint Dempsey

USA and Fulham favourite
Deserving of the Love Bestowed

Clint Dempsey scores 

Fulham 1 - Liverpool 0

Nearly scores a brace

Swansea 2 - Fulham 0

Fulham fans prefer playing the big teams. 

We may get a bloody nose every so often. 

Fulham 1 - Tottenham 3

But not always 

Fulham 2 - Man City 2

Arsenal 1 - Fulham 1

Rivalries are worth the long wait  

Fulham 6 - QPR 0

This is a very, very Fulhamish Season.

Roll on Chelski at the Cottage. 

COYWS!

NEXT UP: Football Stories: The Spirit of Clint Dempsey

COMING SOON: I'm a Celebrity Chairman - Get Me Out of Here*

*Due to General Strike action this article has been delayed. 

The Fall of John Terry*

My sledging of John Terry both earlier this week on FootballZilla and today at Football Speak has worked after Chelski, still reeling from their defeat by QPR (a conspiracy) were beaten 3-5 by Arsenal. My previous sledging at Wayne Rooney and Louis Saha did not work quite so in my favour, for which I blame a combination of Alex Ferguson, David Moyes and Archie Leitch. Watch this slip/goal again and again to see how how I was third time lucky, how you do not mess with my predictions and because it's funny:

Face Palm

My hoodoo also worked and my slight at the Fulham team away record galvanised them into a response as against the run of play, our form and the recent #rapture we won away.

New Mancs on the Block are currently scaring everyone with 28 goals and points. At stage of the season that is a very stupid attitude to have, people should be far more worried about Fulham who not only are the only team to takes points off NMOTB but we won away today. Strange days indeed.

* I still maintain he is innocent and the back pass was dreadful, however he doesn't even try to get up quickly, probably because he knew I was going to sledge him for it. 

GingerZilla is Innocent*

Football fans are religious types and the #rapture which apparently happened on Friday cannot be ruled out for Fulham's woes. I would certainly push this version of events in light of my prophesy this past week on Football Speak regarding Zamora and Saha. It could be argued that I was wrong in demanding Rooney was dropped in favour of Fulham Bob (it's a belief thing) and a make a rather unpleasant, malicious and hurtful jibe at Louis Saha's injury bill. 

. 

Whilst superstition may have its merits [most of the money in the English Premier League is based on superstition so who am I to argue?] I too am asking for patience and plainly just hoping for the future. And just like many players and politicians I see the glass as half empty, however unlike them I am not contractually obliged to defend insanity or John Terry. I have belief! 

The delightful chips in this video and footwork forebode well after today's opener from Ruiz:

* cast not the first stone as they say. 

John Terry is Innocent*

Smiffy has waited a long, long time for this:

"One F**king Nil! 

Not Smiffy's Pic

YOU RRRRRRR'SSSSSSS"

Wooooooooohooooooooo!
Not his pic either

Whilst the twitsphere is aflame with Chelski fans compaining about the referee because their cheque for Man of the Match Chris Foy didn't arrive in the post. I'm also wondering if 'Arry Redknapp had a punt? A cabal of South East Asia or Rooney family betting syndicates could not be ruled out. 

Then there is yet another row about soon to be former England captain John Terry:

What my sources say

• If you think he called the ref a'Blind C***' vote

• If you think he called Anton Ferdinand a 'Black C***' vote

• If you think he was talking about himself vote: 

• If you think he's repeating Joey's philosophical sledging to the ref vote:

Kant

"it always remains a scandal of philosophy and universal human reason that the existence of things outside us ... should have to be assumed merely on faith, and that if it occurs to anyone to doubt it, we should be unable to answer him with a satisfactory proof."

As I write this Terry has released a statement:

"I'm disappointed that people have leapt to the wrong conclusions about the context of what I was seen to be saying to Anton Ferdinand."

I had to read it a few times to understand it and although the words appear to be in the right order I still don't know what it means. This could be philosophical zen from Terry in response to Barton and I know Panda's have a lot to do with Zen and Love:

* We don't (look up) care.
We hate Terry and we hate Chelski 
Did Smiffy mention the score?

How England Can Win Again without Rooney [No Rooney No Cry]

Before and After:  England fans next June

Read and Rate this on

England fans only go on about 1966 'cos we have won f*ck all since*.  It's the same reason Archie Gemmell is still lauded in Scotland. It is this glint of sunshine in our memory and the odd decent performance such as ripping Germany apart in Munich back in 2002 (where I managed to injure myself celebrating Michael Owen's hat trick):

or the demolition of The Dutch at Euro '96:

that keep the hope alive. But hope unrequited can be soul destroying. It's like a Crystal Meth addiction.

However, I believe the glass is always half-full because my brain has evolved to help me cope with being a Fulham/England fan. If you had asked anyone, even Fulham fans, a few years back, especially under former fake hoop [Smiffy] Lawrie Sanchez, if Fulham would be in a Major* European final they would probably still be laughing. But then we made it all the way to the final and we're back again hoping for the same next year.

I have far more hope with Fulham, than I do England and I was glad the game against Montenegro, where Wayne Rooney proved yet again what a complete tosser he is, was on the official channel of the Antipodean Beast, Sky so I didn't have to watch another abject failure and hear the same jokes afterwards:

"After watching the football tonight, my wife said, "Was that a bad result then?". I said, "I'm changing my nationality to Scottish". She said, "Fucking hell, that is bad"."

The obvious English lack of ability to string passes together and our lack of success may be due to cheating bastards of a Latin persuasion who handball, hack our players or try to get them sent off. It could be because there is an obvious FIFA conspiracy who despite maintaining the sky is green, that FIFA are not corrupt and that 'Politics and football are separate' yet still allow senior vice president of FIFA and known Argentinian Julio Grondona to say:

"with the English [2018] bid I said: Let us be brief. If you give back the Falkland Islands, which belong to us [they don't], you will get my vote" 

That's one hell of an ask even for a bribe - even Jack Warner was blushing at that one! Apologising months down the line doesn't help us either. So the English are right to feel cheated.  However, sometimes it pays to stop noticing the mote in their eyes and pay attention to the whacking great telegraph pole in your own.

England players seem more interested in gambling, shagging (or dogging) and continuing club feuds.  The reality is collectively we are shit, but when the wind changes we convince ourselves we smell of roses. As Greece showed in the 2004 European Championship and Germany showed throughout the 1990's, sometimes it's teamwork, not class, that wins cups. However, I have another theory and which any Fulham fan could tell you:

It was the Fulham what won it!
Image: ShakShak

1. No England Team has won anything without a Fulham player. In 1966* it was George Cohen. Anyone doubting the power of the Fulham connection should remember that it was ex-Fulham keeper Edwin van der Sar that stopped Chelski scum Roman SonofaBitches' European dream in it's tracks and then worked his Fulham voodoo as he watched John Terry's penalty fly into Row Z.
2. No England team has won anything without a Bob. In 1966* we had the late Bobby Moore.
3. We have forwards (not that I'm singling them out) who are unable to string words, let alone passes, together. The best hold up player we have had was Emile Heskey who held up play by virtue of falling over. We need a hold up player who is not Emile Heskey. 

The solution is simple. Bobby Zamora MUST play. He is Fulham's Bob. 

In April we also need someone to break both Wayne Rooney's legs. That way we do not have a spoilt little twat berating fans or getting himself sent off and ruining things for us all.

Beckham was a complete idiot but at least learnt from his mistakes and led England well, far better it should be said than John Terry ever has. So bring Bobby in and get rid of Rooney and we're in with a shout because no one will expect anything from us and we won't have to worry about the petulant little twat screwing us over. We need a TEAM and absolutely NO FUCKING PENALTIES!

*Le Tournoi in 1997 does not count. The only decent thing about that was being in a pub watching Teddy Sheringham miss when I abused him for being a 'fucking yid'. This was not a particularly wise thing to do in North London. Five years later, I was in the Paddock at the shithole that is Loftus Road, barely feet away from suited and booted Spurs fans who shouted 'Yids' throughout. It's a Tottenham thing, not a Jewish thing, because Spuds fans threw stuff on our pitch. Going two nil down to them by half time was painful but not as painful as losing 3-2 was for them following Leggy's (forever Ziggy Wiggy to me) 90th minute winner. But  Chelsea are a different story altogether. We hate Chelsea. 

Shearer vs Portugal (1998) by ShearerGoals

Smiffy What's the Score?

Bizarre Love Triangle (and a Horse)

+

Robbie Savage in a recent Daily Mirror column:

England, Passion & The People's Anthem

Fulham fans know that when the Cottage is rocking that the players become our Warriors. But cheering our warriors works both ways, unless you play for England. The England players  look bored and disinterested. If we don't see them singing before going into battle, we see warning signs. 

It's not just about winning (there is always hope of a dodgy ref), the People will cheer your glorious death on the pitch as long as you are try before you die. It gives us a chance to sing how shit the opposition are because you're not all dead yet!

Compare this from Portugal's Rugby Players before their 108-18 drubbing by the All Blacks: 

Fulhamish #2 New Mancs on the Block

Not a Very Pretty View, but the glass is always Half Full

Today's game is against the Über rich New Mancs on the Block. Second versus bottom. I used to like them, because they were the poorer cousins. Our Chairman genuinely loves his club and the fans and we love him back. He saved Fulham from crumbling into the ground, literally, and we will always be grateful - even if we have to put up with the Curse of Jackson. There is a connection and history, no matter how tenuous. 

He may be an Asylum Seeking Chairman (according to Smiffy) but only because the government refused him Citizenship because he kept speaking out of turn. His crime was to forgot that in the world of business you're not allowed to talk openly about the back handers, insider deals and general corruption that follows money. It's just not cricket. The People are not supposed to know!

But MAF is not a limited company or a murky investor who has no interest in the team beyond owning it. Mohamed Al-Fayed is also a well known Conspiracy Theorist and Eccentric so there is much to love about him, especially on this blogsite. He knows there is no one is ever bigger than the team and so we indulge each other. Football is about the fans as AFC Wimbledon and FC United have shown. 

Without The People, there is no football. Players, chairmen and even some grounds come and go. 

I believe today, like I believed on that day in April when Fulham fans could finally sing:

'We're winning away, 

we're winning away, 

how shit must you be, 

we're winning away.' 

It was pure poetry against the 'fake hoops' (according to Smiffy) that we could stay up and we did against all odds. On the last day of the season, David beat Goliath and sent the Royals down. It was a moment in time, a memory etched forever in annuls of the club, like when we held the then Mighty Warriors of the Undeserving Poor in the 3rd Round of the old Milk Cup. Twice. 

Every dog has it's day when even the powerful and mighty fall - especially if a tackle is well timed. Ahem.

Referee!

We reached a European final and stayed up. Strange things happen in football if only you have faith. We coasted well last season after a start bereft of wins. So let the young whipper snappers set the pace because they will soon run out of breath. We've been here before.

Down from here, the only way now is up. There is a very long way to go to get to the magical 42 (not 40 that's LIES!!) and we've been here before. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Unless your parents called you Elvis thus cursing you to take cocaine. Things could be worse and for that I'm thankful.

COYWS

[Videos going to added to this post, hopefully some of my own - FootballZillaTV Broadcasting for the People]

Why Do You Think They Call It Dope?

Well let's face it the only thing he was famous for was that name. Could this be the root cause of his curse? In which case he should blame the parents for never reaching his 'potential' in football. 

I tried to remember Elvis on the pitch and could not find anything in the dark recesses of my infested mind because his career stats are as ignoble as his current fall from grace, although at Woking he didn't have far to fall. I'm not alone in this either as tweets by others have shown:

Robin Williams in 1986 on the scourge of Cocaine in sport: 

Channel 4 to name and shame dozens of football stars who use drugs... including premiership ace who tested positive for cocaine [Daily Mail]

TV documentary names former Birmingham striker O'Connor over drug use [Daily Mail]

GoldenBalls - Queens or Cottager?

Read & Rate this on:

David Beckham has been linked with QPR in recent days.

Ten years ago our Asylum Seeking Chairman (according to Smiffy) Mohamed Al-Fayed (MAF) said:

“if [George] Best played for Fulham - why not Beckham? If we were good enough for Georgie, we are also good enough for Becks.” 

I agreed then as now. Fulham have a long tradition of stars “in the autumn of the footballing lives”– Bobby Moore, George Best, Edwin van der Sar and Karl Heinz Riedle (who scored his last ever goal in a 2-0 win over QPR). So since MAF told us Becks was a ‘good friend of mine’ why are the Mighty Whites not being linked to GoldenBalls?

So in order to wind up the known QPR fan Smiffy, lets look over this:


Fulham, Craven Cottage:

Craven Cottage hosts London's oldest club and sits in the corner of a stadium that was refurbished by flogging Louis Saha when we saw the latest injury bill. The Johnny Haynes stand "remains the oldest stand (dating back to 1905) in the Football League and is thus a Grade II* listed building."

All Images and quotes from Wikipedia

It is a family club that attracts attendances that average in excess of 25,000. "Due to Fulham's past history of having no segregation in the Putney End and having very well-behaved fans, the FA gave Fulham special dispensation to allow for this. Fulham is the only club currently in the UK to have such an area."

Marketing Patter: You can enjoy European Nights with an established English Premiership team (2001-) in a beautiful riverside location where hoodies will get run over by a Chelsea Tractor. The local shops, bars and restaurants offer a variety of places to take the children (just avoid one of the statues if the kids are in tow you don't want to give the wrong impression).

Queens Park Rangers,  Loftus Road*:

Not a very pretty view from The Loft

Although built one year before the cottage, QPR flogged Les Ferdinand and spunked the money. It shows. They have returned to the Premier League after many years of trying not to get beaten by Welsh teams.

Attendances scrape just over 15,000 as it's difficult to afford a ticket on the dole (and this was before they had the recession to blame). Following the London Riots attendances rose over last season, but most fans can't be arsed to attend as you can't drink inside the ground, so they stay on their park benches.

Not a very pretty picture either

Loftus Road is a shithole. It should have been knocked down years ago but its substructure may be the only thing holding up the local estate. When asked if they were a family club a spokesman  offered the caller out.

Marketing Patter: Experience fly by nights race the White City Estate set against the backdrop of a waterslide over the road. The local shops, bars and restaurants offer a variety of places to buy cheap alcohol, dodgy take away food and endless opportunities to get mugged. 

Now to totally honest though I’m not thinking of this in terms of football as I doubt Goldenballs would play much even if we decided to buy, but I am thinking of all the money and extra interest we’d get and this being converted back into the ground. We've had our own David Beckham, Fulham ‘legend’ and Japan World Cup star Junichi Inamoto. Which is an excuse for me to show a video of his goals including that absolute beauty against the Old Mancs on the Block in our 1-3 win at Old Trafford back in 2003 (goal starts 0:56).

I may add to this post – suggestions of QPR/Fulham comparisons please (in comments) as *I am still trying to wind Smiffy up and I expect him to retaliate at some point.http://bitly.com/nCsAbA

Asylum Seeking Chairmen

The Season Ahead in West London

Smiffy reacting to Chelski

Asylum Seeking Chairmen and more

[Note: This was originally posted by Smiffy back in 2004]

A new season is dawning upon us in the fine West of London and as always expectations (Brentford excluded) and banter increase as we edge closer to the first ball being kicked. So what does the new season hold for the local clubs and their fans?

Chelsea

As has been the case last season, the scum have been splashing out on new players. It's nice to see Abramobitch's pimp cash being laundered nicely although Olga and Petrina's privates must be rawer than as sushi factory during a big order! So what will this achieve for the c**ts in blue?

Nothing really - as a wise man once said "once a c**t, always a c**t". Considering the average Chelsea c**t can't read I don't think this will offend and of them, they're probably so involved in fucking their sister/mother/pet dog's arse [delete as appropriate] so they couldn't care less. Anyway  enough about them I've had enough of spitting at my screen and on to another club with an asylum seeker as a sugar daddy; (half) Ful-ham.

Fulham

Chris Coleman's first season has taught him a lot, some valuable advice Mr. Ranieri should have headed - Swallow!

Fulham are now back home, shame chairman Abu Hamza (sorry Al Fayed) can't do the same! In typical half full fashion, they moan about having to play at a Premiership ground for two years which they couldn't fill, then when Al Queeda sorry Fayed) take them home, they get 6,500 for their opening. Good job they booked weedgie c**ts Celtic and Rangers to full their ground. - just in time to see the chairman evicted from the Big Brother house [you are f**king psychic Smiffy - you saw that coming 7 years ago -GZ]. How will he react to seeing a crowd?

Starlet Davis has become a yid so Bin Laden shall take his true place in the centre of the park, or is he already the chairman? Is it true that Fulham's new away kit includes a Hijab? Questions, Questions......

Brentford

Meanwhile at the benefit office that is Griffin Park, money making ventures have hit critical levels as the club announced it was to open up the main stand as a crack house to generate cash. Other ideas include colostomy bags with the club logo and a new three wheeler to take supporter(s) delete as appropriate] to home and away games, plus back to the home afterwards.

The club have also announced that their efforts to keep up with half full and scum, by bringing in an illegal immigrant, Mohammed Milosevic* as chairman, failed after it was revealed that the prospective chairman was not on sickness benefit as first reported, but only on JSA**. The club has also learnt that Mr Milosevic was actually LEGAL and the club have been quick to distance themselves with the former camel testicle salesman.

Queens Park Rangers

Finally, last but of course the best - the famous, nay, legendary Q.P.R. Ollies army are on the march etc. etc. Plenty of news from the Loft but deserving of being put on a separate page from certain elements of filth that have been mentioned. So until next time come on you R'sssssss.

And remember don't hate asylum seekers: when their benefits come in they may be your next chairman.

©Smiffy 2004

* This name has been changed from Smiffy's original suggestion as I don't think out current server would take too kindly and would kick us off. NTL are complete and utter bastards anyway.

** By GingerZilla's amazing powers of deduction, we believe this stands for Job Seeker's Allowance, however we are not entirely sure a this JSA appears to be a QPR thing.

©GingerZilla 2004

I’m a Celebrity Chairman–Get Me Out of Here!

Howay that Lad.

The Twit with a silly beard Joey Barton (bless him) asked on Twitter about the above (alleged) picture of Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley:






If this was anyone but the Geordies, Ashley wouldn’t pass the ‘fit and proper’ test. I swear I’ve seen his twin at the Newcastle game at the Cottage legging it across the pitch with stewards (oh we hate Goldrange)  chasing after. But unlike when other clubs invade your pitch, home fans take the joke with the Geordie Nation. You have to wonder why Ashley’s not endearing himself to the fans? Oh yeah, because he won’t spend any money, which is apparently the reason the Silly Bearded Twit* was forced out - he did not Respect Authoritah!

South Park: Chickenlover

I won't laugh too much. It’s best not to comment since Fulham's chairman, Mohammed Al-Fayed recently appeared on Celebrity Big Brother. Not to mention the infamous Fulham Song by Keith Allen or this 'celebrity' gem:



The phrase people in glass houses comes to mind so instead I will leave Smiffy* with this:

Al-Fayed whooaah
Al-Fayed whooaah
He wants to be a Brit
and QPR are shit
Al-Fayed

* Yes, I am trying to wind up Smiffy, still.